27 APRIL 2020 BLOG 39 BOOK OF SONGS AUTHOR’S 2ND AUTOBIOGRAPHY
27 APRIL 2020 BLOG 39
With each moment of my life, I have come to learn that I like a variety of things. I fell in love with acting when I took my first acting class in Vancouver, back in 2008. I had just graduated with a Master’s of Science in Environment and Management. While studying full time, I also worked full time. I felt like I had so much free time when I completed my graduate studies. I felt driven to do something creative. I didn’t feel that writing was a creative thing to do at the time. It was too isolating. I had spent two years in isolation while working and doing homework in my little one-bedroom garden-level apartment. Then, in an instant, I received a message telling me to take acting classes. I did just that. I studied acting while working full time in the environmental field in Canada. I got an agent and went on auditions. Short of a year at this new job, my boss informed us that our jobs would be coming to an end, as was the case for so many others when the recession hit. Within weeks I found another job as Project Director with the Wildlife Conservation Society in the Republic of Congo.
The night after my first acting class, I was filled with a sense of joy and excitement that I had never felt. I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. However, I didn’t see this as a possible option since I had just completed my graduate studies, and I was working in the field that I had studied and worked so hard to achieve. But I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t even remotely close. Not even a hint of happiness tickled me.
I soothed this passion by taking acting classes whenever I could. My free time was consumed with studying acting and studying for the scene; the assignments for the next class. I loved it.
When I moved to Yellowknife, I was cast to play juror number four in the play Twelve Angry Jurors. It couldn’t be Twelve Angry Men because the director couldn’t case twelve men in Yellowknife.
This was my first and only play up until now, as I write this book. I love acting for theatre. That’s all I can say about that. It’s freeing and alive, and exciting as well. I just love it, but I’m not doing it for the time being because of where I am in Mali. I continue to work in the environmental field. Now I’m a Biodiversity Manager for a Canadian mining company. I oversee all the work for the chimpanzee research in the mining permit area.
I struggled to understand why I have such a passion for writing, for animals and the work I do in biodiversity and the environmental field, as well as for acting. How does all of this come together? It’s only worth doing if I can earn a living, or do what I love and become a starving and struggling actress and writer. Or is ok to be doing all of it at my leisure, for the sheer pleasure of it? Am I successful at being a writer only when I can say that I support myself financially solely from the sale of my books? Does this make me a successful writer? I asked the same question about acting.
What do I do? Am I fooling myself that any of this can be realized? What am I looking for? Am I telling the universe that I’m not serious about being a writer while I continue to work in the environmental field? What the experience do I want to have? What is standing in the way of change for me?
It was only recently that I could understand that all of it is a part of who I am. I was waiting to be told that I’m a writer. I’m an actress, on and on, whatever it is that I want to do.
The experience I want to have is joy. I write because it brings me joy. I love writing plays. I love writing songs. I love writing poetry. I love writing! It’s all joy for me. I don’t have to pick one or the other. I’m not telling the universe that I’m confused and that I don’t trust that I can fulfill my dreams. I’m telling the universe that I love all of it and that I enjoy doing all of it as well. I know the worth and value that I bring to my own life, and to this world. I want to live a life where I’m living my divine purpose, my destiny, or purposes and destinies. Life is meant to be lived, and I am writing my story where in every scene I am living a life of my choosing, of my personal design.
I know that my books are being read, and that they will continue to be read by many people from all walks of life. I know that my songs will be sung by many people with the most beautiful voices. I know that my plays will be performed by amazing actors and watched by many in the most amazing theatres.
I feel like I am an opening through which energy flows from the unmanifested source of all life through me, for the benefit of all. Thank you to Gary Zukav and to all of my teachers. You have taught me that my goals and visions are already a reality within me. So…if these goals and visions are already a reality within me…they are also a reality on the level of my mind and of my feelings. And I know that whatever I ask for in prayer, I believe that I have received it, and it is mine. Now, when I pray, I vibrate the feeling of what it is that I want to experience. I don’t pray for the house of my dreams. I pray with the feeling of what it feels like to have this experience. That’s all I need to do. Then I receive what I asked for. And this journey goes on and on. It never ends because I continue to grow and want more for myself. So life goes on, and I made the decision to live my life feeling joy, by feeling what it is that I want to feel so that I can feel good every day, no matter my environment or the situation before me. I am now awakened to my essential nature of consciousness. I only want to be awakened.